Characters of the Mind... do you mind!

It is 2am and I pulled out my tools from the mental “kit” in an attempt to fall back asleep. I quit. I walk to the kitchen and heat up coffee while cracking three eggs, 6 oz of rice, and 4 slices of Costco cheese on the stove stop. Triple check I turned the gas off, sit down and finally have a moment of silence… well to myself. I never feel like I am “alone” or in “silence” as my mind keeps me extremely busy.

The last audio I listened to suggested that I begin to name the thoughts in my head as to recognize that I am not them; these are either self-sabotagers like Regina who HATES rejection, Petri who dominates the scene whenever I want to say how I really feel and reminds me that I am small so just STFU, Shelly rebels in shame, Veronica who just loves to get the party started and would literally be clubbing 24/7 if it wasn’t for Craig who is the militant asshole and scoffs at out of routine activity, and then I cannot forget to mention Felipe. Felipe is honestly afraid that I am even mentioning his name; he is afraid of it all (let's leave it at that).

I recognize there are times in my life where one of these characters will dominate my life. Not yet mentioned here is Ali, we get along best, or at least I should say I enjoy her the most. When Ali is present I feel at home. I could be anywhere in the world, when Ali shows up, it is like neutral buoyancy in a dive, I am balanced. I seek to strengthen her because when she comes out, the systems of this body automatically regulate (nervous, digestive, circulatory…).

To the homies outside of my head (real people), I think they also know and adore this Ali character and try to step in when Regina, Petri, Veronica, and/or fucking Craig come out. It is very difficult because those punks have been very present for the past 15 years rotating in and out based upon how they think I will best survive. It is very frustrating because they all have their individual needs that they want met. Craig seems to be very dominate as of late and I cannot take it - he is in total survival mode and just needs me to stay: strict and serious.

Yesterday was stressful for him; he planned and prepared the night before to be ready to leave for a dive at 8AM after: prepping food, finishing laundry, putting yesterday’s SCUBA gear away post dry, emailing the YOGA clients as a reminder we will not be there, listening to 30 minutes of affirmation… trust me this list goes on (all before 8AM) which we then will leave to pick up a dive buddy, get in the vehicle, dry to point A, unload and x, y, z. Per usual, things don't always go as planned.

Damn… okay, let’s just get this body in the water. Three deep breaths, people in the car are buckled and Comet (my black Tacoma) starts her engine with a new hairdo of green canoe.

My body submerges and that warm feeling of Ali starts to penetrate. I give up the pole spear, strip my fins, weighted belt, wetsuit hood and begin playing. With all of my strength I swim to the sandy bottom and then let go as my body springs to the surface. I giggle, and do this again, and again; Craig was yelling at the dive buddy 15 minutes prior to swim back in and we have to go but Ali completely forgot about this. Her wetsuit without the weighted belt makes her very buoyant which proposes a challenge… in a non Craig sort of way. The dive buddy approaches and Ali snaps out of the deep trance she was in,

“Hey, I was calling your name over and over, what the heck?!” Me, “Oh my, I totally lost track of time! I was just floating here (Anne of green gables style except outside of the canoe) and fell asleep.” He shows off the 3 Pike he had just speared and asked for more time. Craig, “Um (chest tightening), sure.”

He fins off and Ali smirks…looks like we have more time ;-) Want to keep flirting with fish and seaweed?

Yesterday while floating like a human lily pad I watched an Eagle climb the thermal updraft directly overhead. In a circular pattern this feathered bird continued to gain greater altitude which it then swiftly glided out to move across the landscape.

Ali seeks greater meaning to this life, this precious once in a lifetime gift. She leaves me when I am not diving. When I am not diving deep into conversation, creating art, learning a new trade, making love, a difference, an impact, a connection, and water.

Samantha Stephens, the good witch from Bewitched, wiggled her nose for magic to happen. Water is the wiggle of the nose for Ali; the piece of evidence I have to claim this is a feeling: peace.

In life, we can choose who, where and what we surround ourselves with, I believe this same principle is applied to our mind. It takes great effort to stop attending to things you are very used to because that provides “security.” The characters in your mind will try and control these things and we therefore seek out people that validate them. Trust me when I say, these Craigs and Reginas are freaking powerful.

Ride the thermal draft and rise above them.

What other friends are out… or in there?

Deep breaths and believe in your ability to, dive deep. #seaempathy