Grief work.
I am not trained in this, I’ve never read a book on this, but I am coming to recognize a pattern when it comes to tragedy/death.
The first death that really rocked my boat was waking up on my 22nd birthday with a text that read, “Jake Wolf died.” Jake Wolf and I were friends, we partied together, made out a time or four and texted back and forth. He was a year younger than me but we always had this cat and mouse game: flirty and fun.
This was my first time with a death that was out of some expected chronological order. My best friend and I went to his funeral, had some beers and life just went on. I never really cried but was still just shocked. A few years later, my high school friend Vicky Tran died from Lupus. I never really processed that - again life just moved on. Not long after I was in Florida with my family and received a text that my grandpa died… I didn’t even know he was sick. The day before my boyfriend came down to surprise me with a wedding ring.
A few years pass and my Uncle dies from brain cancer, my cousin from food poisoning, best friend's newborn (RIP BCR), husband and I divorce, the dog died, Grandma gone, and the list grows.
Like what the fuck was going on? Why aren’t we talking about any of this?
I moved along with this motion but now left alone… I feel this cloud hanging behind me. Naturally, I began running: New Zealand, Middle Fork of the Salmon River Guide, Georgia, Michigan, Montana, Parent’s basement, Alaska; I swallow the spirit of speed and am living life at full throttle.
I am tired. This is when my engine tank reads…low. I hate this. Why? Because I think grief is trying to catch up. How do I know this? I feel dangerously on the brink of losing my shit. I haven’t seen grief in action; in my family strange things have happened and their process of grief was unknown to me.
I haven’t been able to put my finger on this heavy, tired feeling until the other day a trusted friend called me on my shit. “You need to figure out why other people’s tragedies hit you so hard.”
The foreign emotion presents itself and I am struck; like literally am taken out.
I think this is grief; I need to let the cloud hover and do its damn thing so I may learn how to dance with it.
Ali’s process, your process, I am guessing is all unique. In order to understand it, we have to allow ourselves to experience it.
I am scared but recognize that in order to not be killed when the lightning strikes and thunder rolls around, I must firmly stand still in the eye to know how to grow and not be swallowed.
Rest in peace to those no longer in body with us and may we embody their fierce Spirits that surround us in wind power.
My sister and I talked about this the other day, she shared, "I personally don't think you need to have a 'moment' to grieve. I think you are grieving without knowing. Your natural instincts take over." "I don't think many people 'grieve' and then they feel okay to close that book and move forward. I think grief is like a book with no ending."
Love Strong.
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