i am not my emotions

But damn that hurts.

"How does it feel?" Injuries to my physical body. I understand. I therefore am able to typically override any supposed pain that is supposed to be associated with it.

I understand that some shit happened and... well the body will begin the healing process. Fascinated with how miraculous the programming of the human physiology is in response to the hardware of our machinery, I don't think much of how that crash, break, burn, bite... feels.

Take winter walks in shorts - toughen up - literally. Make your body do uncomfortable things and teach your mind through your body that you are capable. Capitalize that period. *You get the point right? Don't set your arm on fire, maybe just get a nipple pierced.

What I am finding THOUGH in this experience of a human dummy is the memory of emotion that decides to hide itself in those targeted anatomical regions.

Hmm maybe this is why my practiced arts like dancing, massage, yoga, free-diving and sex can be emotionally releasing. In reality, I am linking so much mind-focus into my physical body. I slowly, pull the curtains back to greet the hidden gems inside the human caverns.

Through these methodical movements I allow or am "more" prepared that some things may be released. I might get pissed off during push-ups and literally start going mad-shit on the punching bag or start crying while having sex (only twice to date & dang, wasn't ready for that). In these practices though, I feel safe. Free-diving/water has me hyper-focused that I generally feel blissful waves throughout the day, even spilling in to the next.... dancing, relatable to sex ranging from tears to laughter to fight...to play to, sleep.

Back to crime scene - you are suddenly injured. Pain - gurllll, I'm good, that sick smile even crosses your face when you look at the gnarly matter. Oh this human sack of weird flesh. So! Moving on... what's for dinner?

The next day... you are sitting there and a weird wave starts to approach... foot elevated (or whatever) and you are having your normal chocolate (chocolate collagen powder) milk (thx Alaskan cow teets). No. No. No. No.

I really don't feel like experiencing whatever is starting to release. Dude, if I start crying people are going to think that I am in physical pain and I swear to you, I am not.

Flashbacks start to play themselves like vintage film strips with no off button - memory one, memory two, memory three... STOP. Go back, go away.

Unfortunately, even if it tried... the wound is physically opened and that time, even if it was years ago, that you or whoever decided for you, that your temporary feeling was unacceptable to get out - is now getting out.

That shit is resilient folks. Ghosts in the closet; it's funny because although they may not have the guts to go to the dance and party, they sure as hell have the bones to stay hard

unless released ;)

So days or hours after the unexpected major or minor physical trauma... ya might have a breaking moment of ghosted emotional release. Fucking let it. Tell that crusty ass ghost to fight freedom now. It is okay.

For me, allowing myself to scream "FUCK" if the boo boo accidentally hits a chair leg...is not me being a pussy to the injury... I am finally screaming "FUCK" at the person or event that should've heard it years ago. The same injury moments later might have me bawling from a different flashback and now I am talking in tongues about a hot summer day when...

These released emotional ghosts, although may make me feel like I am crazy, are not me.

The physical injury will heal, the temporary pain will pass. Our bodies are so incredible; if you are not convinced just read up on biological evolution. Or let me teach you.

But, the suppressed emotions are what will not heal just like if you wouldn't pause and tourniquet the hanging limb. They will hide or come out in some devilish, twisted way. My emotions will Pinocchio my mind and drive certain behaviors. It is a sick comic to me now when I catch their red horned ways.

I am not woke. I am sure I will continue to suppress emotions, by habit. But shoot if I am not trying more than ever to let the old white caps go when I feel their aged force.

Emotions are meant to wave in and out; we can bare witness but that is it. It is not YOU, it is not ME. It is an off-gas.

If a person cannot witness the surfacing ghost and becomes attached to its energy, that stubborn white-capped bitch will love the attention and work its way back under.

I am finding my horny friends have found a really nice home in the sexy curves of my feet and well structured ankles so please, if you are not willing to sit in a gas chamber for a second, be weary.

I am not my emotions. You are not your emotions.

Allow feel. Don't attach.

Feels need expression not suppression because crying over a cold class of chocolate milk just isn't fun.

My eyes are closing and I am still trying to type, is this desperation kicking in or am I still bleeding...give my ghosts a friendly hello if you see them tonight - they are actively exiting from my sole. They were given a mouth to speak. This is not me speaking. This is not me typing.

i am not my emotions.

this is art.