A body enters the hole. Your carabiner isn’t even on yet. Body’s friend enters the hole with the belief she will save him. Now we have two bodies in the hypothermic inducing waters.
The reptilian brain dives in as the third but the past 16 some hours of training and piercing eye contact from our Leader reminds us otherwise.
Who is first?
Me. I pause and my partner checks my gear for a second time. Of course the carabiner was faced down. Correct this. Lines crossed. Correct this. Begin walking, now crawl, now you are on your belly.
Chaos and lives merely two feet in front of you. Every action, every second matters.
Body one goes unconscious, stuck to the ice. Body two is now panicking. If you get any closer, this body will pull you right in making you the fourth.
That’s right, I said fourth. While you were closer to the hole and before body one went unconscious I was informed that a friend was under him. This means, drowning.
I now call for the team’s SCUBA diver to aid in recovery. I set the ice screw and put the pulley system into effect for the sled and heavily equipped diver to arrive. Yes I had recovered body one and two out at this time. Diver entered the hole; I am on the ice lying down as his tender.
“Ali, Ali.” My Leader calls from the sideline.
An inner, “damnit, what am I forgetting now?” clouds my mind.
“Yes?” I try my best to stay calm and open to receive.
“Why are you lying on the ice when there is a sled right next to you that you could be on?”
Immediately I slide onto the sled while partner and I complete the practice.
Aside from reviewing the scenes practiced in this training over and over again in my head, the question remained, “Why are you lying on the ice when there is a sled right next to you that you could be on?”
It is President’s day today; I thought, “Perfect! I will rest and "lay low.” But this question kept me up. It was 245AM before I knew it and I was up. After organizing bathroom cupboards, dishes, and laundry my normal gym time of 330AM struck.
Truck engine on, hit play on my morning prayer playlist followed by… Kim Dracula.
“Ali, Ali.” Was all I could hear, even over Dracula’s screaming.
I rolled the window down, Arctic mist to the face.
“Why are you lying on the ice when there is a sled right next to you that you could be on?”
DAMNIT.
The suppressed words will always find their way out.
My damn inner patriarch takes the wheel and calls me on this.. I should’ve known it was coming. I was ready for the beating.
Good morning alexis michelle rusch - time to wake the hell up. I try to teach you over and over again. Alas, here we go.
You. Still stuck.
Not sure how much more literal I can get with you. In trying to be more direct, here is the root of some past and recurring turmoil.
That which has been keeping your body frozen, petrified and unable to make any forward movement.
Self-love, protection and health literally at your side yet you CHOSE to stay stuck. This big yellow sled. Color of solar plexus, identity.
You wuss. You are afraid of what it would feel like to actually love yourself. Are you afraid your self-love won’t be enough? Who you are is not good enough?
The window rolled up as I pulled into the parking lot. Matriarch wrapped her arms around me.
Sure, you have loved and it was rejected. That hurt. It made you believe you were unworthy of honest, loyal connection. You were lied to, you forgave, you were lied to again. This made you feel even more unworthy. You fought in an abandoned ring.
Everything you woke up for and poured passion into was gone in the matter of months. Your routine visits and morning kisses, relationships of old, relationships of young. Relationships of students and the waters that ran through you with a fluent.
You watched your vulnerable butterfly get her wings clipped, you fell and have remained on the dirt since. Your re-growing will take time but with commitment you will find, the worthiness of this dirt.
I turned the engine off and my mother released her embrace.
“Why are you lying on the ice when there is a sled right next to you that you could be on?”
I think I understand now.
Learning how to love.
Starts with Me.
It always Will.
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