It is midnight. The dive is complete.
My hair, frozen into two solid braided dreadlocks.
My ears, filled with souvenir saltwater.
My nose, crusted with white lined rings.
My lips, pumped with nature’s botox.
My eyes… still riddling in awe.
My heart… pumping with life.
My lungs… swimming in purpose of regulated inhales & exhales.
I, a spectator of my primordial past.
Ghosts of the ancestral seaweed take shape as you swim past
while the red eyes of the shrimp record your every move.
As I sink deeper into the depths of a passion so profound I fall further away from the falsities above ground.
I am fulfilled. I am present. I am at peace.
Why would my species ever attempt to branch off into the life of a landmate? #acceptance
On the green Earth, I find myself contemplating continuously what the purpose of my existence is. Am I supposed to have children? That doesn’t feel right. Married? I’m not entirely sure of what that means. Does drink and drug help me to not have to think? Can’t go back to that.
In the blue Earth, contemplation doesn’t exist. I feel as though I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I feel understood by the creatures and in balance by the saltwater.
Whatever it may be, I pray I find my way.
Morning workouts help me to feel my own salt; a beautiful reminder of the ocean within.
Ocean. Water. Life below…
I wish you could feel how much I love you.
All I really want is to be with you morning and night. I want to walk along your membrane in a teasing manner to then surprise you as I strip myself naked and plunge into your crest.
I love when you throw me around or keep me under a second longer than I expected. I love that after a day of playing with you, I can still taste you on my lips.
You make me feel sexy as my hair drys with its natural wave and I love that you can get rowdy as all hell, then lull me to sleep with your calm shoreline crashing leaving pieces of jewelry for me by dawn.
Dearest Ocean,
you are my greatest wonder and deepest treasure. I don’t know a lot. But I do know that I am making my way to you. Sorry it is taking awhile; I am closer but not nearly close enough.
I am learning to really love and trust myself first. You are what I am doing this work for. If I were close to you now you would send me back. This has happened before:
As a child I met you in the Gulf Shores of Alabama - you sent me back every time after spring break to finish elementary, middle and high school.
As an eighteen year old I met you in the Virgin Islands - you witnessed my Virginity get taken and sent me back to learn many more lessons on giving pieces of me away as I completed college.
As a nineteen year old I met you in the Caribbean of the Dominican Republic, with tears in my eyes you sent me back again to learn a decade of lessons in the fragility of what, “yes,” means.
As a twenty-eight year old I met you on the beaches of Thailand, with a different sort of tear in my eye, you sent me and my partner back to do the hard work we needed to do.
At twenty-nine I flew across the country back to you, this time on the North Island of New Zealand, I stripped naked and made a promise to you… you still sent me back. You sent me back to Idaho where I poured my heart into the river.
The river brought pieces of me back.
Then the river spoke one fire sky morning…I could feel the waters and the spirits of the land telling me to leave. It was so real, I didn’t even have time to question it.
I listened to your calling and without reserve packed my truck and drove directly through Canada to Alaska. I remember calling my mother the day I began driving, “Alexis, you are what?!”
At 31 I met you here. I am here with you now and love and adore you so. I have canceled flights to Hawaii and terminated dreams of Island teaching in Timor-Liste or studies of marine biology in Australia.
I want to be careful with you this time.
I am doing my best work for you to not send me away this round, but rather, draw me closer. I know I love you. I know I want to be with you. But you deserve the best version of myself. If I can’t do that on my own, I cannot be 100 with you.
I will continue to do my part until I know with confidence I am one as You are. I don't know where I am supposed to be, but I think that what I am seeking is also seeking me. I hear you whispering to me stay.
Okay.
See you next weekend.
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