There, I fulfilled my palindrome deed. Deed meaning an action that is done intentionally or consciously.
Wow.
Can you imagine choosing to live a life in constant deed? Being super clear with why you are doing what you are doing. Living consciously.
What would one have to give up to live in consciousness?
This can be extremely intimidating. Erase that. For me, this is extremely intimidating. As I begin round two of 75 hard... I am realizing all of the "big" dreams I have dreamed up throughout my life are not authentic anymore. I question if some of these dreams were ways in which I was telling myself that who I am, is not good enough. I have to x, y and z in order to be of importance. Doing such has only left me perpetually feeling less than. It is a double edged sword then when I "commit" to some fantasy and then have to say no after realizing it is not the right time. This normally ends up not only costing me a shit ton of mental energy... but also monetary and emotional.
Trust me. This has been the last ten + years of cyclical repeats.
I need to be black and white in life again. What food will I put on my plate tonight? Do I have clean underwear for tomorrow? I could go on but... you get the point.
I feel like the brunette version of Pippi Longstocking, minus the fizzy drinks, scratch that... Zevias all day.
That is even giving myself some credit; Pippi is the shit.
I can truthfully say, I feel so desolate.
If it weren't for heaving lifting, hugs from carefully selected friends and the incredible children that interact in play at work with me....
I would probably commit myself to directing traffic at all of the parking lots in all of Anchorage and join the barking Ravens.
Indeed.
All this to say, I am incredibly grateful for those in my life that are the "Hey Leonardo" (she likes me for me throwback song) to this human experience.
although... I am tough like Dirty Harry and I do think that's why they stick around.
Now it is time I stop therapeutically typing and start shoveling because fact, it is still snowing, and fact the goat on my fridge door does not have thumbs.
*Noted for next time, goat thumbs.
**Maybe it won't be such a little crab in the bucket then.
***Envious lil demon.
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