Applications.
There always seems to be one thing I am ‘missing.’
So I go out and do ‘more.’
Experience ‘more.’
Go back to ‘apply’ again.
Yet now I am not proficient enough in Spanish (where is the test score?), I don’t have my Masters in Marine Biology…. Still missing that gd third arm and have yet to maintain perfect trim as a scuba diver.
I am just older.
I am not a victim.
I don’t have diagnosed ADHD.
My divorce was pretty kosher.
I was raised in a loving home.
I’ve experienced heartbreak.
I lost a dog or two.
My joints ache and I’ve got inflammation.
I get my period irregularly.
I am female and happy to be so.
I keep applying. I keep not accepting just who I am and where I am at. What I am doing never seems to be enough to satisfy these arbitrary “prerequisites” to living. This is, of course, according to nearly every application I put myself into. So many rejections into the fields I craved with these random invitations to the areas that seem to be already paved.
Am I the fish trying to climb the tree? Why can’t I see myself for who I am?
I keep looking out as though to reach the dangling carrot.
What if I got the carrot?
Would Oz come out from the curtain laughing with every broke ass Master students’ money to have me tie up the next one for the next ego hungry brainwashed self-love deficient sorry ass? As I eat the carrot I am informed of the pesticides showered onto it so that it could sustain the lifelong race?
Damn… this shiny, orange carrot looked a helluva lot better than it tastes. Wait, I have how many months to live?
Ever since college my life seems to be chasing, applying, looking, changing and ultimately, not accepting myself. I have heard the expression before, how we see the world is how we see ourselves. Perhaps the blepharitis of my right eye is trying to teach me something. I am not “seeing” things correctly.
How do I stop looking outside of where I am? Of who I am to become this false idea of who I ought to be?
The body is a tremendous teacher as it chooses to shut down vision in my right eye. Mind listens, “Within this body is a soul and seeking external is not the goal. Breathe in and out, slow it down, your compass resides in the energies that will never keep you bound.”
I ask, "How will I grow if I am not seeking the next challenge? Life responds, “Do not give in to this notion of you hand selecting your challenges; you see these obstacles are already in motion.”
Surrender is damn hard but I trust the deep wealth inside myself when I shut my mouth and close my eyes.
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