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Tired.

Writer's picture: Alexis RuschAlexis Rusch

Did you get sleep last night? Are you hungry? Did something happen before that is making you feel upset?

These are questions I always ask my students when they start seeking attention (aka misbehaving) in class.


As a health specialist, I have 748 students. I see each student twice a month. Building authentic connections (deep breath) can feel impossible. Building, earning, and maintaining respect (deeper breath), even harder.


More times than not, I feel extremely unimportant and can go days with only seeing kids with maybe a simple "hello" from the teacher who is ready to drop them off outside my door and catch their own break. Hm, a challenge Alexis?


Okay, okay.. I "get it." I know I am still making a difference but when I am treading above water daily, it is hard to see the forest for the trees or in my heart of hearts... the ocean for the waves.


Today, I announced to the atmosphere, "I am tired." I could feel myself start to sink. My feet began dragging and my listening tools popped. A similar feeling to when I begin my descent in free-diving.


Well, today, on the verge of blacking out, I literally had no other option other than to listen, when being spoken to. Okay, teacher.


So, I wasn't in the water, yet, every part of me felt like I was in the water.


Holy Mackerel. (Mackerel is a common name applied to a number of different species of pelagic fish, mostly from the family Scombridae). *Wikipedia. Microcosmic shot to the fin.


The Sea, she spoke to me. I felt her pains.


People often ask questions on why I make the decisions I make. I never really have the greatest responses because I cannot make logical sense of them other than, it is what I feel is right. Trust me, I have been swimming in discomfort for years.... all because of choices that I willfully make with huge confusion bubbles as to why I do what I do often followed up with sweatshirt sleeves of snot, restless nights, and a deeper drive to continue excavating.


It was 2019, alone on the complete opposite end of my world... New Zealand shoreline. I stripped myself down, kneeled along her membrane and made my vows. I entered her and played. I entered her multiple times, running out and plunging myself back into her waters. We made a commitment, She untied my knots, and we laughed a lot.


"I want to stay with you forever though," I lovingly cried as She pushed me out by sending her sharks in to feed for the evening. She was never one for words, yet always knew how to get her point across ;) Besides, this lady had quite a bit more work to do for...all of life. In her magic, she still found time to exchange a few with Ursula and ended up gifting me my authentic voice in return, for returning.


She spoke, "Anything and Everything. You have your voice. Your powers are magnificent when you can feel, really feel, what exactly it is that I feel. Continue to trust that I am with you, when you are afraid, when you are lonely, when you are..."


It is 2022, alone on a different end of my world... Alaska coastline. I work terribly hard to make positive changes in children's lives every single day, no accolades, no high-fives, no bonus checks, no family, easy to collapse.


"I am tired." I am near collapsation (new word alert) when my body begins to respond to a dry land free-dive. She is returning my cry... and I am forced to listen.


"You are tired, because I am tired. You feel hurt, because I am hurt. You seek healing, because I seek healing. Your children do not recognize you because I am not being recognized by those I have originally gave birth to. How, Alexis, how do you think I feel? Yet I continue to show up everyday, provide waves for play, the deep for introspection, color for the query, and forgiveness for the foul. I am only made of love and shall continue to imbue that upon everything I know, even the landlocked that do not experience me direct." "She scowled, don't end quote me yet..." (Yes, Ma'am!) "You are finally feeling what is real. You have your voice. Your powers are magnificent when you can feel, really feel, what exactly it is that I feel. Continue to trust that I am with you, when you are afraid, when you are lonely, when you are..."


Tired. I am not tired, she is tired. Our Seas need rest. Our Seas need food. Our Seas need love.


I am a direct product of the Ocean...a walking larynx to the Waters. May my direction continue to be in favor of the voices that cannot be heard by those mentally, physically, and/or spiritually landlocked to her pains.


"My challenges," are really only understood and worth fighting for when in alignment with our Waters.


SEA EMPATHY.


Let us bless the grace of water:

The imagination of the primeval ocean Where the first forms of life stirred And emerged to dress the vacant earth With warm quilts of color. -John O'Donohue


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Photo credits | Amanda Passey (@amanda.passey)

and | My Cellular device (@thankyouphone)

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