Unwavering.

According to my research (I've been watching too much Magic School Bus), this means steady or resolute. Resolute: Admirably purposeful, determined, and unwavering.

I was that kid, attached. Attached to people. Attached to my mom. I was told there was a road trip we took as a family (pop-up camper style) to Alabama where I slept, sucking my thumb nearly the entire ride on her lap. Disclaimer: This was the 90's, things were more lax back then.

It is going to get even more weird.

I personally remember assigning one butt cheek for mom and one for dad. Phew! Things worked out well there. Where I started feeling anxious was when I would be going up the stairs to yell down, "I love you Mom," "I love you Dad." To then be like.. shoot, did I tell my Mom that I loved her. It was then an internal battle of if I said, "I love you," to them both equally. If not, one might feel slighted. Anxious Ali!

From this young age - I knew I loved these people SO much I just didn't know exactly how to let them know. I used my voice and let my creative blossoming self solve the question. At about the age of 7, I came up with, "Best Dad in the Whole Wide World and Always will be." Something that, to this day, now, sounds like a jumble and ends in "smoked ya," as he says it back substituting our names, and of course, making it a playful competition. Yes, he has the grandchildren saying it now too. ;)

I could feel the joy this brought and felt satisfied in knowing my heart was heard from the people I respect and love most dearly.

Unwavering.

Not me, at least yet.

After years of learning the love languages (word drop, I know) of my family, I knew I was able to dance my dance and celebrate my uniqueness without losing the trust and protection from the people whom I care about, and they, equally care about me. They knew I loved them no matter what and I felt the same. Throughout a few trials, they still have my back, even when it is damn difficult because I chose another foreign path. How can one support another if they don't have experience in that unpaved grizzly road? Well, the answer is unwavering love.

Unwavering love is determined. Through the gut wrenching uncomfortable times, we are still determined to love, learn what that looks like and try again.

As I trial in romantic relationships, I am struggling with finding unwavered (new word) love; a love in which I feel heard and am heard.

I have spent delicate time trying: poetic emails, playing it cool, presents, therapy, travel, house, dog, silence, gardens, honesty, asking for what I think I might need, apologizing and explaining, reading books on what I was called out for, creating art, holding hands when we have a disagreement, flat out "getting loud" and maybe dropping the "f" bomb, the list goes on (granted I haven't tried the butt cheek thing yet).

In the rare times I have felt true romantic love for a man, I dedicate to that human, maybe even to my fault. It's like, oh my goodness, I love this person so much and I am feeling so blessed, lets celebrate! I will celebrate you and our union everyday.

Side note - after five years of teaching high school biology back in the day, the first comment I get from the freshies was, "are you like this everyday?" Yes, the assistant senior will mumble in the back.

Don't question my Shine.

There comes a point in my romantic threshold where I recognize my love is not being received. The symptoms include: actual hot tears, racing heart, obsessive phone checking, sleepless nights, wanting to get rid of everything I own, pain everywhere.

It is the grossest feeling and yet when I try the vulnerability act of sharing how I feel, I am even further unvalidated with the comment, "I don't think anything is wrong." Hm.

What the flying trapeze.

The other day, I set my phone down and walked along the Turnagain Arm in the Gulf of Alaska. Just me and the Sea. I felt hopeless and remembered her promise to me. When you feel, this is me feeling. I tried to channel what this meant but all I could come up with was this:

Unwavered love is like the Sea. Of course there will be waves and turbulence, but beneath it, it is steady. Love, whether romantic or platonic is unwavering. Do not let the small fraction of waves at the top cause you to abandon the ride - if anything jump off of that ship and sink together. Make eye contact as you silently drip into the darkness eventually using only your body's intelligence for navigation. Trust that it is real.

Words will cause wavering. They actually create waves; mechanical acoustic waves of compressed molecules of air. It is in rare forms that will take you to the depths of admirably purposeful and trusting unwavered love. This, is the work. This, is admirable, determined and purposeful work.

I looked to the Sea of Silence, released a hot tear and smiled admirably as her tides moved icebergs. She keeps moving. She keeps changing. She allows the waves, the melts, the freezes, the spills, the sunken ships, the human pee and red whale poop. The Sea has a capacity that makes my knees buckle and seizes any pain I was in.

"This is me feeling." I see you, my head bowed. The Sea, has done honorable, ancient work.

I shall find strength through her model to continue life through movement, accepting change, and dances in colorful poo.

I turn my big wide love to her who will never turn me away or close off her shores from me. She takes me as I am and lets me go deep, she catches my tears and turns them into a place for me to transform again. I can't wait to learn how to really surf so eventually the shaky times become fun too.

I love you Sea.

I love you Mom.

I love you Dad.