All of my demons pay their visits in the dark.
Hey guys! I made a plan, phew that feels good. During the day I am crushing it and my light is on fire.
Then darkness falls… I drift into sleep until I get a knock at my temple.
“So, you really think this is what is best?” “You are going to go into so much debt.” “This is just a silly piece of paper that will mean nothing.” “You will lose all of the friends you made.” “All of the work you have been doing in diving will have been for nothing.” “Quitter.” “Classic Ali.” “You always quit.” “You don’t know what you want.” “Who do you think you are!” “No, you were made for this lifestyle and this salary. “Besides, you can’t even remember to turn the stove off!” “You lose your keys every other day and don’t make me remind you how many times you forgot to pack underwear or wash your hair!” “I’d think twice.” “Here, type up the email and tell the professor you can’t do it….” “I will even give you all of the verbiage super quickly.” “We will have an email typed up in seconds explaining this story.” “Poof, done.” “You can go back to your comfortable ways.” “Just chill.” “Now go back to bed.”
I sit wide awake listening like an obedient dog. Then go on the internet to type up my draft while looking for another job in the same place I just resigned from.
The alarm goes off, I did not sleep and doubts carry like suitcases under my eyes.
I am growing familiar with my demons. They know me well. Real well. They know exactly what to say and when to say it.
“Right before you are about to level up, you will be tested.” -Friend
Let's say for example, you are on 75 HARD (google it). Day sixteen comes around and the scoop of ice cream from your favorite Wild Scoops crosses your mind… (ah hum, do you think you are being tested?)
Or for example, you have been granted a scholarship and got into Graduate school. You booked the road trip and are fully supported by your friends and family. But then that familiar gnawing demon of doubt greets you when you are all alone, “you will just end up disappointing everyone.”
It is a bitch.
I have this idea in my head that I am going to be, “Starting over, again.” This is what the unwelcomed demon tells me.
“Just fight your demons.” I am not sure if you who are reading this have ever faced your demons but they are not there to “cheer” you on. For years I numbed myself from the bastards which kept them pleased.
Let me define the word for you, “an evil spirit or devil, especially one thought to possess a person or act as a tormentor in hell.”
It is not cute and remember, they know you very well.
But so does God.
This is where you do have to fight. Quit the things that keep you out of touch with who you are and do the things that are uncomfortable but right.
“Right before you are about to level up, you will be tested.” -Friend
I see this moment as a living purgatory; when you are tested, what will you choose?
…. you will have to fight for this EVERY SINGLE DAY. How? Through the freedom to choose. I have had many moments of both. And I am tired.
Keep fighting and remember, God knows you better than anyone else. Unlike the demons that prey on your weaknesses and make a cozy little spot in the playground of your mind - God built you from strength. You are stronger than you think and more abundant than you can see.
Make a choice and no plan B.
You are not alone.
Protected.
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